When Conflict Avoidance Is the Right Choice

Zoie Newman • March 3, 2026

Exploring Healthy Boundaries and Emotional Intelligence

Conflict Modes, a concept developed and taught by Thomas-Kilman, is the belief that we have different approaches to conflict on a scale of assertiveness and cooperation. These modes are avoidance, competing, collaborating, compromising, and accommodating. Individuals often favor one style based on comfort and their relationship to conflict influenced by their upbringing. Today I want to pull out conflict avoidance. Avoidance gets a bad reputation and often isn’t the best method to managing conflict, but as we take a deeper dive into this way of handling conflict, I hope to showcase some ways in which conflict avoidance can be a positive and necessary.


As with other methods of self-identification, conflict modes should be applied thoughtfully. According to theories based on emotional intelligence, understanding ourselves begins with recognizing that each individual has the capacity to utilize various conflict modes depending on the context. The same principle applies to communication and leadership styles; while certain tendencies may be predominant, expanding emotional awareness involves learning to adapt our approach and respond flexibly to circumstances that may call for different modes than those we typically employ or have been taught to avoid.


When avoidance is harmful


Most of us can relate to having someone in our lives who avoids conflict at all costs. This has come up a lot online lately with the overuse of “protecting our peace” to avoid any challenging discussion that might come our way. Chronic avoidance, not doubt, is harmful. Some of us might see this more specifically with a boss or someone who is in a leadership role. When leaders consistently evade addressing conflicts, it can be perceived as an immature approach to management and may result in staff handling disputes independently or inadequately—often leading to HR concerns, investigations, and significant disruptions in team dynamics. I have personally had many a boss and leader that has led with the belief that conflict within the team isn’t their responsibility. In most workshops I have run I ask leadership if conflict is something that they feel ok with, and almost no one raises their hand. Such avoidance creates a culture where mismanagement of disputes is perpetuated, resulting in unresolved issues and unmet needs within the team. Without clear examples and guidelines for effective conflict resolution set by leadership, disputes often remain unsettled.


When conflict avoidance is healthy


Conflict avoidance on its own is not necessarily problematic, it’s another tool in our toolbox, but one to use with care. As we have established, used in the wrong way avoidance degrades relationships and doesn’t help us access the healthy generative side of conflict. When used appropriately, avoidance can help us understand when conflict will move us forward in a relationship vs keep us stagnant, blaming or unsatisfied with an outcome that may never meet our needs or the needs of others.


I have again had many instances where conflict avoidance would have served me better than continuing to engage and here are a few of the things I have learned from these interactions. First, if you have attempted to engage someone in hard conversations with not being heard and the continued engagement will not help you get anything constructive out of that conflict it’s time to step away. Either step away from that conflict and resolve your own needs to the best of your ability, or its time to step away from the relationship.


Sometimes conflict avoidance also looks like an extended pause. I can think of a particular instance with a friend over a political discussion that became very devaluing to me, that avoiding continued discussion around this has been a thoughtful process of how I can understand my own needs and get some of my big emotions under control so I can set clearer and firmer boundaries. This is a strategic way of using emotional avoidance to help me process. Ethan Kross's book Shift suggests that distraction and avoidance are useful strategies for managing emotions. By using avoidance flexibly, we can express emotional conflict when it benefits us. While there is no one-size-fits-all method for managing conflict, avoidance is an evolved strategy for stepping back from overwhelming situations.


Conflict avoidance is deemed low on the scales of assertiveness and cooperativeness. When we are low on those scales our value of the relationship has either diminished or was never there. But this measure is not only for ourselves, but how we believe others measure us. If the person who we’re locked into conflict with diminishes the relationship and will not reflect on their impact, then avoiding hard conversations might be the best use of our time and energy. Although it's not always feasible to disengage with coworkers or supervisors, adjusting your strategy for handling conflict can help you focus your effort where it matters most.


In summary, conflict avoidance is not inherently negative; rather, it is a nuanced tool that, when applied thoughtfully, can protect relationships and promote emotional health. By recognizing when avoidance serves a constructive purpose and when it becomes detrimental, we gain the ability to navigate challenging situations with greater wisdom. Ultimately, the goal is to develop self-awareness and flexibility, allowing us to choose the conflict mode that best supports our needs and the needs of those around us, fostering a healthier and more resilient environment.



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The Sage Source: Insights in HR & Development

Why HR Matters Before Your Business Feels "Big Enough"

By Zoie Newman • August 3, 2026
Last month we did a podcast with the Lake Oswego Business Chamber on why small business should consider HR sooner than they think ( Listen here. ) One of the main themes throughout our discussion was on HR as cultural creators for your business, and how to support the environment you envision for yourself and your dream at the very start. This month we wanted to dive a little bit deeper into how HR can function as a partner and business developer for you. 1. Setting your values early and frequently – One area that I find business frequently neglect is the area of what a team and a company wants to value. They discuss what to value in their output and with their clients, how their external position is being perceived but never what their internal culture should feel like to the people that work in the business. If you don’t talk about this, it creates itself and is therefore less controllable and harder to fix if it goes in the wrong direction. Early in our business, I insisted that we as a business partnership sit down and talk about what was important to us. How it should feel to work with us and be around us. What our behaviors and actions would speak to. HR early in a business can mediate this discussion for you and help you create a code of conduct that reflects these values. Having this structure helps later call people back when abusive behavior occurs, helping elevate larger problems in the future. Values work can be a living aspect of your business and should be reviewed frequently. Changes don’t mean you have failed, but help you recognize your progress 2. Holding the leaders responsible – Most small businesses do HR in house, and even though that is cost effective, often, the person running HR does not have the training, education and experience to do so effectively, opening the company to a lot of risk. This is where HR can step in and start holding business owners accountable for ensuring legal and ethical practices are taking place. That those values, mean more than a statement. Business owners need this check and balance and a way to stay compliant. It is what helps maintain trust through the long-term. 3. Labor & Recruitment – One of the more practical ways business owners can use HR at the beginning is helping with retaining and keeping labor. Recruitment is hard and often made harder when a business owner is too busy to give it the full attention that it needs. This can also affect your output and cost you clients, as well as damage culture. If you are constantly churning through employees, unable to hire quality labor, and seeing high turnover, then that constant state of change can lead to a lot of burnout for business owners and those who stay. HR can help stabilize this and create a structure around recruitment for the future. Oprah Winfrey recently said, “HR is the custodians of culture.” I believe that when HR is introduced early and done well, it helps create the kind of workplace where values are not just written down but actively practiced. Culture does not wait until a business is larger, more profitable, or less busy; it begins forming from the first hire, the first conflict, the first leadership decision, and the first time someone’s needs are either heard or dismissed. Small business owners have a unique opportunity to shape that culture intentionally before harmful patterns become embedded. By clarifying values, holding leadership accountable, and building strong labor and recruitment practices, HR becomes more than an administrative function—it becomes a partner in protecting the dream you are building. When we treat culture as something worth tending to from the beginning, we create businesses where people can stay, grow, and contribute.

When Workplace Trust Breaks: How to Rebuild After Conflict

By Zoie Newman • July 6, 2026
Recently in an online course I was teaching around conflict resolution the question came up, “what happens when the other person refuses to let the conflict go?” We talk a lot about resolving conflict, but less about what happens afterward. Even when the conversation is over, the impact may remain. Trust does not automatically return because someone apologized, a meeting was held, or HR closed a case, and the other party might be unable to let go of their anger until real action is being taken. Rebuilding trust requires accountability, consistency, and a willingness to repair what was damaged. What breaks trust? Inconsistency, micromanaging, and gossip are all the obvious answers, but the mishandling of conflict with either avoidance, being overly direct and aggressive or the simple fact that resolution didn’t land very well with one party, can all have its impact. But if it’s the later reason, and you feel you have done everything you can to create a meaningful space to resolve conflict, be empathetic and listen to someone’s needs and trust has still not returned then it’s possible we are trying to move on to quickly. The best action one can take after conflict can sometimes allow for pause. We often talk about pause before responding or engaging in conflict, but it can also be a great tool to use after conflict as well to allow people to process and emotions to cool. One of the greatest gifts we can give others is to show respect and showing respect to someone’s emotions by not rushing past them but acknowledging them and letting them be without fixing it. When repair is possible, we can rebuild trust with this simple model I like from “The Trust Advisor” by Maister, Green & Galford Trust = Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy Self-Orientation We can have accuracy, dependability, empathy and discernment, while also thinking about their needs versus our own. All these steps over time can help you slowly rebuild trust and show goodwill in sticking with the resolution of conflict. When trust is not possible to rebuild, we have our values to guide us. This is where turning values affirmation exercise onto a particular circumstance or conflict can be beneficial to help guide you on your own behaviors. For instance, if kindness is a strong core value for you, then what behaviors can you create and reflect on that continue to show the other person kindness? What actions help you be kind through a difficult or awkward dynamic? Being self-guided in your own actions and forward movement after conflict will be the cornerstone for meaningful resolution when the other party has disengaged from resolution or the relationship. Ultimately, rebuilding trust after conflict is not about forcing closure or convincing someone to move on before they are ready. It is about showing, over time, that repair matters through consistent behavior, thoughtful accountability, and respect for the impact the conflict created. Sometimes trust can be rebuilt into something stronger, and sometimes the healthiest outcome is learning how to move forward with integrity, even when the relationship does not fully recover. Either way, conflict gives us an opportunity to practice who we want to be, steady, honest, empathetic, and guided by our values. When we stop treating resolution as the end of the process and begin seeing repair as part of the work, we create workplaces where trust has a real chance to return.